Who told you?

Two months ago I was desperately searching for an inoffensive show to help me stay awake during my over-night shift, when I stumbled upon the show 19 and Counting on the Discovery Health channel. The episode I saw was full of faith and playfulness ---- and after the credits I happily discovered that reruns of the Duggar’s adventures play every Thursday from 12 am-1 am. So for the last several Thursdays, I have spent that lonely hour falling in love with the whole Duggar gang:

1. Joshua, his wife Anna and their daughter Mackenzie.
2. Jana
3. John-David
4. Jill
5. Jessa
6. Jinger
7. Joseph
8. Josiah
9. Joy-Anna
10. Jedidiah
11. Jeremiah
12. Jason
13. James
14. Justin
15. Jackson
16. Johannah
17. Jennifer
18. Jordyn
19. Josie
20. and of course Jim Bob
    
21. and Michelle (especially Michelle)

With 19 children it’s obvious that Jim Bob and Michelle are telling the truth when they say that the actually believe that “children are a blessing from God, blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” I must confess the Duggar’s literal interpretation of scripture here tempts and terrifies me.

... or more accurately rings true and terrifies me.

Before I realized marriage and pregnancy were things that would actually happen to me, I too believed:

Since God is the Author and Giver of Life, birth control is trying to take control of a process which belongs to him.

But when I got engaged to a man who was still in the middle of college this view went so against the advice I was receiving from my community that, I assumed I would go to the Health Department and “get on the pill.” That is until my Mother-in-law told me about the risk of breakthrough ovulation and subsequent abortion. I was dumbfounded. Her concerns couldn’t compute in my mind.

She had to be wrong about the pill… after all if birth control really could cause early termination of life,

1. Why wasn’t anybody in the church speaking up?--- and
2. Why was just about every married student on our Christian College campus using it?

But my research on this form of contraceptive confirmed that it actually can act as an abortifacient—

• While the primary purpose of the pill is to prevent ovulation, breakthrough ovulation does occur [which is why we all know women who have gotten pregnant on the pill.]

• Whenever ovulation occurs there is the possibility of conception. The sperm meets the ovum and God creates a brand new life. This is when human life is smallest and most vulnerable. At this stage the mother is unaware of the miracle that is taking place inside her.

• but if she is using the pill her artificially-elevated hormone levels can actually prevent the implantation of the zygote terminating the life of her son or daughter before she ever discovers she is pregnant.

• And nobody can be sure how many lives are ending this way.

When I shared my concerns with the Christian nurse at the health department, she completely dismissed them. She did everything she could to reassure me that the pill does not terminate pregnancies. She poo-pooed my concerns about birth control preventing the fertilized egg for implanting. The way she responded made me feel dumb and prudish, but it also made me angry. .. and a part of me just wanted to accept her word as truth because it would be so much easier to just follow the crowd.

I had to remind myself that she was acting out of her convictions, in what she believed was my best interest,

but it was my responsibility to hear from God on what He would have me do. After that appointment I prayed about using the pill, and was convicted that risking a potential premature termination of my child’s life was not worth the convenience of “making sure we are financially secure” before having children. So I chose to remain off the pill.

Later after a time of praying together, Tim and I have decided to “for now” give God control of when we have children.
and it’s the “for now” that terrifies me—

When I think about completely surrendering this area of our lives to God my mind goes crazy with three huge worries:

1. What will other people think?
2. What if I have more children than we can support?
3. What if I don’t conceive naturally?

(1) It makes me sick to think that all my newlywed girlfriends went to the same health department. I know if they raised any concerns, they were reassured by the professionals that birth control is safe and does not terminate life. … But I talked with an OBGYN while I was working at the Pregnancy Service Center and she told me straight up—“We know that breakthrough ovulation occurs and that there are cases when the birth control pill does terminate the pregnancy .”

I can’t tell my girlfriends this… all of them are using the pill. If I say it may be hurting their children I worry they will think I am judging their reproductive choices, and sadly, I worry they will judge mine.

(2) If we fully embrace this life philosophy we could have a large family, and I worry about how Tim and I would handle the challenges that come with that. Would there be grace for me as a mother? How would we ever support a big family on a teacher’s income? We want to be in ministry together and I am afraid that having several children would derail us.

(3) Then—my biggest worry--- what does adopting this philosophy mean if we don’t conceive? In some dark recess of my heart there is a mirror distorting the truth that “children are a gift from God” to mean that “infertility is a punishment from God.” And this hideous whisper has plagued me for as long as I can remember really wanting children, “you will never have children Sarah. You are not worthy to be a mother. You have done this to yourself.” That part of me wonders if Tim and I say “we are surrendering control of how many children we have to God” , then God will deny us children.

This week I checked out the Duggar’s book 20 and Counting [this was pre-Josy; Duggar Family = 18 children +1 Mom & 1 Dad= 20] In the chapter “On Matters of the Heart” Michelle shared that when there children confide their struggles with Jim Bob and her, they will ask, “Who do you think put that thought in your mind?” She explains the reason for this question,

We want them to know that when an awful thought comes, it is an attack from Satan, but we assure them that God will always provide a way of escape.

As I read Michelle’s question to her children, I felt the Holy Spirit ask me the same:

• Who told you Sarah that you are no longer my beloved daughter?

• Who told you that you have made too many mistakes to be used in my kingdom?

• Who told you that I am dis-generous? that I would let you or your children go hungry?

• Who told you would never have children?

and I realized how my dark doubts are an attack, and if I only listen past them the whisper of the Spirit is there, to woe my wounded heart back to the Father. This distance I have felt in the last months has caused me to press closer to His heart, where in hiddenness, He has reassured me over and over that He loves me with an everlasting love. He does not see me as a failure.

and He promises me children… flesh and blood… beautiful … in His perfect time.

He implores me keep my heart in this soft listening place, to believe in His love at all costs and in spite of all that has happened.



Do I have any other choice? I know He is the One creating in me a hunger for Him that will make following the crowd impossible. So I will listen as closely as I can and obey with all the strength he has given me. I will trust Him if He helps me learn to trust. I will trust Him.