Being Thin Made Me Crazy

Being thin made me crazy, but I clung to thinness like full body armor in the face of a world full of women who are wealthier and more beautiful than I. Even after I let go of the eating disorders it was important to me to remain thin. My features are plain, and I couldn't afford any kind of wardrobe. Being thin was all I had to distinguish myself in the world.

Marriage wore me down. Gradually I gained weight as I gained confidence in Tim’s love and concern for my sanity.  Infertility made me open to any change that might increase the chance that someday I would conceive. Pregnancy changed everything because I didn't care what I had to give up to keep my baby healthy. I would sacrifice anything, even my figure. Motherhood has given me the strength to let it go once and for all.

After my son was born I realized I can’t have it all. I can’t be admirably thin and a give my son the attention he deserves. I can’t worship at the altar of thin and offer my body as a living sacrifice to Christ. I can’t compare the relative thinness of the women present in any room and truly be loving my neighbor as myself. I can’t even be thin and think about much of anything else. 

Freedom is.

Freedom is not worrying about what I look like or what I wear. Allowing God to make me beautiful in the ways He wants to. Freedom is never having to worry about what I eat.

Eating when I am hungry.

Enjoying every bite.

Giving control to the Spirit who births self control in me.

Freedom is not having to waste my time and energy in activities I don’t enjoy just to burn calories. Freedom is long walks with my husband and son. Freedom is dancing in worship. Freedom is a life all for love, all for Jesus.

Counting the Cost

A few nights ago I was lying in my bed thanking the Father for giving me a son, the desire of my heart. Gradually my thoughts shifted from praise to petitions for supernatural help in all the areas that I need to model  a Spirit-bearing life to Isaiah. I want raise my son radically aware of God's love and power. I pray that Isaiah will be a jealous lover of God, a sold-out worshiper  filled with the fire of the Holy Spirit, and empowered to serve in the ways he was created to.

Wow. These are BIG prayers, but I whisper them in my heart because I know the power of hope, when hope is in Christ Jesus.

 Still I feel uneasy because in my own life I am wrestling with how to live and love the Word of God. As a new mom  very often I feel like I don't have time to read the Bible.Scripture doesn't feed my spirit when I do study it because I am so rushed.I am embarrassed to admit that many times I have taken the attitude of "just hurry and get this over with" into my devotion times.

 I am tired of stumbling over doubts about my place in the kingdom, and the relevance of all these promises to me.

And reading the word always leaves me feeling responsible to do something and caring for myself and my child is overwhelming enough,

I am not sure I have enough energy to act.
I am not sure I am brave enough to live the gospel.
I am not sure of any of it...

Many times over the past few months I have poured all these pent-up frustrations out in a heart prayers.

This week,  Holy Spirit interrupted me. I felt the reassurance of His love for me, and the grace He is giving me everyday to be a good mom to Isaiah. Then He planted an idea into my head, "I want to be a woman of one book."

I want to want to read the Bible.

I want to love every word like I did in the beginning.

Falling in love again is going to mean changing my priorities. I have to place my relationship with God high above my need for entertainment. If I do not have time to read the Bible, then I don't have time to read any other book. But I do. I read prolifically. Everything but the one thing I need to read the most.

 Holy Spirit reminded me how becoming a mom has brought many changes to my daily routine.

 "Is it worth it?" He prodded.

"A thousand times yes," my heart answered without delay, "I love my son. I would do anything for him."

 At the same moment a light switched on in my soul, shining on a million questions,

"Shouldn't your love for God also change the way you live?"

• What would life look like if I truly meditated on His word? 
• loved Him with my whole heart? 
• loved my neighbor as myself? 
• What does it mean to me when God says that religion He "accepts as pure and faultless is looking after orphans and widows in their distress?"

I am not able to ignore the questions burning in my gut any longer. I am going to face my faith. Look it in the eye. Figure out what it means to live this. Tread deeper into the mission waters. Today I am opening my eyes. I am taking responsibility.

Starting today. For the next eighty days. I am only going to read one Book, and I am going to let the Word change me.