"Sarah, I talked with Ruth and from now on she will do the Thursday overnights. So I’ll keep you scheduled for the Monday evening slot. Thanks."I was immediately relieved and worried. I was the one who had suggested the switch and I was certainly glad to be free of all night-shifts, but I was concerned about money. ..
And honestly not so much about how Tim and I would make it financially, but about the quick shift of the financial power cards in our relationship.
Just the day before Tim had got a second job. Without the overtime of that nightshift I knew he would be making more money than I for the next few months. When I called Tim and relayed the “happy news” and my ambivalent feelings about the whole situation, we decided to discuss the change further when he came home from work.
So at 10:00pm instead of mentally stealing myself to stay awake, I was roaming the streets of McPherson with love of my life in cooling darkness of a midsummer’s night. Things had changed so rapidly and I was drinking in the moment,- the weight of his hand in mine,
- the heat of his touch,
- the chill wafting of the breeze,
- the intoxicating scent of the mimosa trees blossoming,
- the majestic flecks of star-shine and moon-shine mingling in a glittering sky…
And all at once I felt compelled to kiss the Creator of all this glory, to scream at the top of my lungs "Jesus I love you," and to hide from One so perfect. Instinctively my fingers tightened around my husband’s fingers. We were walking on sacred ground and we had not known it.
In the Presence of Holiness, I was afraid.
Not knowing what else to do I began to pour out my soul… confiding in Tim and the near Holy Spirit the reason for my agitation. I began,
“I never knew that Love would feel so much like death.”
I started choking on the words as they came rushing out-- a long pent up flood of emotional uncertainty,I tried for so long to be someone smart and capable. I wanted attention. I wanted to be important. I attempted to “do great things for the Kingdom of God,” because I wanted God to notice me. But all my efforts left me feeling empty inside. I could not understand the reason why pouring my life out for God left me feeling so hollow. A daily battle with eating disordered thinking, the fantasies of “ending it all,” and my constant lashing out at both of you are evidence enough that my heart is sick, my way of surviving is unsustainable.Then I stopped walking and turned to look into Tim’s eyes,
God, I know that you led me to where I am now and I love it. It fits me so well. I feel that I was made to minister in this way to the marginalized. I know it is you who are teaching me to communicate concern without using words. But I wrestle with the suffering I see. Where are you in their pain? Why don’t you answer my prayers for their comfort and healing? Don’t you care? And I wrestle with feeling unimportant. I ask myself, “how is my working a part-time, minimum wage job serving God?”
“Do you think God sees me? Do you really think that right now I am in his will?”
Sensing the vulnerability of my soul Tim spoke many tender words to me as we headed in the direction of home, but the phrase that most sticks out in my mind is simply this,
“Sarah, God notices you.”
Something hard and bitter in me melted at those words. I realized that deep in my heart of hearts that is what I have always wanted--- to be noticed, to be worthy of attention--- but I had been taught that desire was selfish. I believed it is wrong to desire God to need or notice me.
Then Tim was showing me it wasn’t.
The God created the intoxicating fragrance of the Mimosa blossom to be appreciated, has fashioned his children in like manner.
Each life that he creates really does have His attention.
And when redemption begins in our hearts through trusting in Christ, we begin again to give off a fragrance God designed for us to perfume the communities we live in with His greatness.
This is the exact imagery Paul uses to describe his ministry to the Corinthians,
“Through us, he [God] brings knowledge of Christ. Everywhere we go, people breathe in the exquisite fragrance. Because of Christ, we give off a sweet scent rising to God, which is recognized by those on the way of salvation—an aroma redolent with life. But those on the way to destruction treat us more like the stench from a rotting corpse.(2 Cor 2:15 The Message.)”I have decided that this is all I want. To pay attention to the overlooked with the same attention God pays to me. I know I can be okay with not pursuing the million dollar ministry, as long as I keep my believing that God notices the pennies I have to offer Him. I know I have given Him today and for today he has led me into poverty, hiddenness, and identification with the suffering to mold me more into the Image of Christ. I cannot know what tomorrow will bring.
This all makes sense to me until I look at the “successful Christians” who I feel surround me.
So once again I need to redefine success in my heart and whisper back to God the Wesleyan prayer of the New Year,
I am no longer my own, but thine
Put me to what thou wilt,
rank me with whom thou wilt.
Put me to doing, put me to suffering.
Let me be employed for thee or laid aside for thee,
exalted for thee or brought low for thee.
Let me be full, let me be empty.
Let me have all things, let me have nothing.
I freely and heartily yield all things to thy pleasure and disposal. And now, O glorious and blessed God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, thou art mine, and I am thine.
So be it.
And the covenant which I have made on earth,
let it be ratified in heaven.
Amen.
This morning I set aside time to meditate on how God notices me, and in my reading I stumbled across the 14th century prayer of St. Catherine of Sienna,
O eternal, infinite Good! O mad lover! And you have need of your creature? It seems so to me, for you act as if you could not live without her, in spite of the fact that you are Life itself, and everything has life from you and nothing can have life without you. Why then are you so mad?Because you have fallen in love with what you have made! You are pleased and delighted over her within yourself, as if you were drunk for her salvation. She runs away from you and you go looking for her.
She strays and you draw closer to her:You clothed yourself in our humanity, and nearer than that you could not have come.
How my heart reaches across the ages to echo her sentiment. The love of Christ is maddeness to notice me, and I bask in his attention. Nearer to him my heart can rest comfortably in the paradox; I am both infinitesimally small and infinitely important in His presence.
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