“There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way” - C.S. LewisTonight a college friend confided to me that God was opening her heart to new dreams, new possibilities.
She seemed excited, nervous, swelling with anticipation. The question of her heart shone through her eyes, “Where will God take me? How I am I being called to serve in this kingdom?”
Talking with Ruth felt as though I was staring at senior- in-college-Sarah in the mirror. Just three years ago these same questions confronted me. Like many of my classmates I was all about serving where I was. I reached out to my campus as an R.A. and a small group leader, but I sensed the whole time this vague call of destiny and as graduation loomed nearer I needed details.
In many ways this sense of destiny had been haunting me since I was a small girl. It seems my heart has always burned to be in the middle of the next great move of God. A favorite scripture during my teens was this portion of Psalm 139,
As I sought God's purpose in creating me my heart was captured by this image of the entirety of my life being known already by God . On days where my future seemed dark I comforted myself with the idea that God had already written a beautiful role for my life in His book. This promise of destiny kept pressing into God throughout college. I wanted so much to make the world a better place.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
My senior year of college I read about how the Spirit is working in Asia and Africa, and dreamed of being God’s vessel there.
I prayed prayers of abandon, “God I’ll go anywhere. I’ll do anything. Just let my life bring you glory.”But two and a half years later I never made to any farther than Kentucky and now I’m back in McPherson and God is teaching my heart to dream his dream for me.That is “to enrich the life of those I serve in every way possible,” [DSGP mission statement]
Over the past months I have become convinced that becoming a Direct Support Professional is a calling not merely a job [though we who serve don’t often see it that way at first.] We are called to listen, to protect, to challenge, to care,
to serve in the shadows
so others can have an opportunity to shine.
so others can have an opportunity to shine.
If while I was in college seeking-out-my-destiny you had told me that I would be working in disability supports I would have told you “you’re confused.” Twenty-two year old me had dreams of getting my doctorate, dreams of working overseas, and writing books. I had layers of pain I had not faced, and pride I didn’t know about yet.
I was blind to the ways that my dreams for overseas ministry were really dreams for me. I thought I was being so self-sacrificing when I moved back to McPherson to get married. I back-burnered my dreams to support Tim’s dream. I was still praying , “God I’ll go anywhere, do anything..”
But as the breadwinner for our small family I told myself destiny would wait until after my husband’s graduation. Clearly what I needed was any job where I could spend time with people and bring home a paycheck. So at first that is all my job at Disability Supports was for me. I gave it my all and enjoyed the company of co-workers and clients.
I didn’t know how much compassion I would feel for the women I began to work with. I didn’t know that this experience would shake and strengthen my faith. I didn’t know a job could be so much fun--- how there would be times I would laugh with these women so hard it hurt. I didn’t know how much care there was in me.When I was working at Oakdale my co-worker remarked on my heart for children, “Sarah this is a gift and you truly love it. Embrace it. The blessing of the Lord makes rich and He adds no sorrow to it.” I got that.
Working with children has rarely seemed like work to me because I love it so. Today I am finding care-giving blessed in me, just like working with children.
Now I do know and am convinced that this care- giving was a huge part of God’s dream for me. For right now anywhere is McPherson, KS, and anything is pouring out my love and energy to serve an amazing community.
These gifts bring a beautiful humbling to my heart.
This humbling is described in a storybook I often read with one of the women I work with. It tells the tale of three trees. The each of the trees in his own way dreamed of achieving greatness and glorifying God. The items they ended up being made into were common, even humble. They thought nothing would come of their dreams, but in the end they were used by Christ. Then they realized that the Savior King had given their lives greater purpose than they could ever have dreamed of.
Whenever I read this book with her my mind drifts to the purposes and dreams God must have for the two of us. In our community our lives are unassuming, people can and some do overlook us.
I am learning to see even this smallness is a gift because of the awareness of our need for God it creates in us. In this vein I have begun to meditate on the exhortation of Peter, a humble fisherman turned apostle, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you. Cast all your cares upon him, for he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:5b-6).”
And here’s the hardest truth in the calling I stumbled into-- it'll break your heart. It’s difficult to work in supports many days because your heart hurts for the people you serve. This is the way that my job shakes my faith because I spend so much time in prayer for healing and understanding that sometimes it is hard to see the small blessings—the momentary calm, the growing sense of communication—as evidence of grace.
I am constantly having to re-center myself on Christ. In light of Him I see clearer. I realize that the willingness to help carry the real pains of another is evidence of a greater capacity for love growing in me. On the days when I return home from work crying and praying, Christ is teaching me that loving will always mean hurt. I have found that He is bandaging and healing my heart as it is stretched by the suffering.
A few years ago , right before I graduated from college, I heard an interview with Bono where he quoted a Christian leader. His advice has stuck with me all this time, “Stop asking God to bless what you’re doing. Find out what God’s doing. It’s already blessed.”
Tonight I have the blessing of know that right now I am where God has led me. He is teaching me here. He is working in me [willing, caring, and desperately inadequate] to show his love to the women I get to serve. He has answered my prayers and is letting me live His dreams for me.
