On Anne, French Braids and Attainable Ambition…

Yesterday I realized that one of the reasons I have been so down in the dumps these past several months is that the time commitment required to keep my marriage healthy has made the type of goals I used to set for myself unreasonable.

This probably wouldn’t be such a challenge except that by personality I'm "a checklist kinda gal," I’m driven and I love to learn.

In other words-- I’m a hard-wired goal junkie:

Case in point- I finished my ungraduate degree in 3 years and my masters in 1.

I’m undaunted by breakneck pace and so….. [drum roll]….

the more impressive and impossible a goal seems, the more likely I am to decide I must accomplish it.

Thus resolved it gets added to the never-ending list of lifetime ambitions.

I’ve had this mental list of “ambitions” ever since reading Anne of Green Gables in 2nd grade. I connected with every point of the red-headed girl’s misery--- from feeling unwanted to being reprimanded for an over-active imagination and the overuse of big words. She was so much me that I clung to her eventual success as hope that someday my own orphaned soul upon finding love would blossom to admiring public.


and I adopted Anne’s wisdom as a mantra,

“We pay a price for everything we get or take in this world; and although ambitions are well worth having, they are not to be cheaply won, but exact their dues of work and self-denial, anxiety and discouragement.”

Every minute, every tear, every dollar or headache or heartache that my ambition cost me only made my resolve to accomplish the goal dig deeper into my soul. When it felt like I would never achieve my ambition , as it often did, I would repeat to myself “Ambition is not to be cheaply won…” over and over under my breath. I will do this thing-

• I will write books.
• I will run a marathon.
• I will learn to play the piano, the guitar, the violin...
• I will be involved in missions.
• I will adopt children.
• I will get an M. Div. and a doctorate.
• I will learn to speak fluent Spanish.
• I will live free of an eating disorder.
• I will know Christ as deeply as I am able in this life...

These are good goals, but in marriage I meet a bend in the road—one that calls me to a different kind of self-denial. As a wife, I no longer have the same time and energy to pour into my ambitions, and I find new goals piling on to my already overwhelming heap of things to do. As I have written before, marriage is forcing me to re-prioritize-

This means sacrifice.

What I find is that though I really do embrace this re-prioritization of my life, I am not functioning well without my cherished ambitions.

The task-oriented, learner, achiever hound in me needs a bone…

So I’m breaking the goals down into bite-sized pieces… attainable ambitions…

This week it’s French braiding--- something I’ve always wanted to learn, but haven’t had the patience to teach myself. After attempting the braid once I was shock to discover that it’s trickier than it seems [and it hadn’t seemed easy to start out with.]

I searched for help and found there is all sort of advice on Google as to how to accomplish this hair-styling feat… but most of it was not useful for me…

1. Beginning with dry hair only caused a nightmare of static.
2. Laying with my neck hanging over the bed as I braided, only made my face turn purple.
3. Viewing the back of my head with mirrors only confused my fingers. And--
   
4. Braiding as tight as I could, only led to knots.

So much for conventional braiding wisdom. What’s helped me the most is watching the You-Tube video and practicing over and over.

Can I tell you after two hours of practice—when I finally achieved a braid I would wear out of the house--- my arms were killing me.

But it was worth it.

Last night I dreamed of the braiding my daughter’s hair. She was laughing, gorgeous, beautiful. My arms ache to hold her, to braid her baby hair in real life.

Nothing could convince me more that what Tim and I build in family will be worth the death of a thousand lesser dreams.

and maybe if I keep tackling life’s ambitions in bite-size pieces I’ll still achieve the bulk of them. I’m resolved to face this bend in my road with hope for the future as Anne did when she chose to forgo going to college to live at Green Gables and care for Marilla.

"You won't have to stay here alone, Marilla. I'll be with you. I'm not going to Redmond."

"Not going to Redmond!" Marilla lifted her worn face from her hands and looked at Anne. "Why, what do you mean?"

"Just what I say. I'm not going to take the scholarship. I decided so the night after you came home from town. You surely don't think I could leave you alone in your trouble, Marilla, after all you've done for me. I've been thinking and planning. Let me tell you my plans. Mr. Barry wants to rent the farm for next year. So you won't have any bother over that. And I'm going to teach. I've applied for the school here--but I don't expect to get it for I understand the trustees have promised it to Gilbert Blythe. But I can have the Carmody school--Mr. Blair told me so last night at the store. Of course that won't be quite as nice or convenient as if I had the Avonlea school. But I can board home and drive myself over to Carmody and back, in the warm weather at least. And even in winter I can come home Fridays. We'll keep a horse for that. Oh, I have it all planned out, Marilla. And I'll read to you and keep you cheered up. You sha'n't be dull or lonesome. And we'll be real cozy and happy here together, you and I."

Marilla had listened like a woman in a dream.

"Oh, Anne, I could get on real well if you were here, I know. But I can't let you sacrifice yourself so for me. It would be terrible."

"Nonsense!" Anne laughed merrily. "There is no sacrifice. Nothing could be worse than giving up Green Gables--nothing could hurt me more. We must keep the dear old place. My mind is quite made up, Marilla. I'm not going to Redmond; and I am going to stay here and teach. Don't you worry about me a bit."

"But your ambitions--and--"

"I'm just as ambitious as ever. Only, I've changed the object of my ambitions. I'm going to be a good teacher-- and I'm going to save your eyesight. Besides, I mean to study at home here and take a little college course all by myself. Oh, I've dozens of plans, Marilla. I've been thinking them out for a week. I shall give life here my best, and I believe it will give its best to me in return. When I left Queen's my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don't know what lies around the bend, but I'm going to believe that the best does. It has a fascination of its own, that bend, Marilla. I wonder how the road beyond it goes--what there is of green glory and soft, checkered light and shadows--what new landscapes--what new beauties--what curves and hills and valleys further on."

As Anne was, I too am in a crisis of hope as I change the object of my ambitions. Now I’m trying to become the kind of wife God describes as praiseworthy. One who:

• Is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs without fear of the future.

• When she speaks, her words are wise, and give instructions with kindness.

• Carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness.

Proverbs 31:25-27

P.S- I will definitely post pictures of my french braid next week [once I've managed one pretty enough to photograph.]