Plastered together with band-aids

Yesterday I started freaking out because I realized how just about everyone I know has a greater ability to build and sustain close relationships than I. It’s sick, but I can’t tell you how jealous I am of my friends who have managed to build a support net of people who care for them the way they are.

I personally know many of the same great, supportive people who my friends rely on, but I am so fake with them. I have been fake for so long and find myself unable to become real for fear of rejection. I pretend to be so together… so full of faith and hope, but the truth is I am falling apart because I so afraid of people. I hate going to church. I fear going to meetings at work. I am just plain scared of any type of interaction that lets people close to my soul.

So I walk around desperately trying to hide the truth [that the real Sarah is messy. The real Sarah has needs. The real Sarah has no clue what she is doing… how she will ever escape the pain and fear inside her… or even if she can really trust God the way she says she does.] behind the mask of being the “perfect Christian girl.”

Yesterday as I wrestled with this intense, un-Christ-like jealousy; I decided to search Google for answers [As a relationally-disconnected individual the World Wide Web is my first and safest confidant…] I wanted to find out (1) whether my anxiety issues where at all “normal,” and (2) if there was some easy-fix to my seeming inability to connect. Two hours later I came to the conclusion that I have moderate social anxiety… To alleviate social phobias Google suggests pills, herbs, eating more turkey, counseling, thinking positive thoughts, yoga, and emotional support dogs--- but every article I read assured me that overcoming anxiety is a process--- there simply aren’t any miracle cures.

To confirm my self-diagnosis I called the one friend who I am currently on close terms with. “Well, yes. You’re just now coming to this conclusion?” was her baffled, somewhat amused reply. Apparently I have not been faking things as well as I hoped… I know this. I know that although I tell everyone I’m great, the fact that I can’t bring myself to call them or to meet them for coffee and share the ups and downs of life shows that I’m scared. I’ve plastered myself together with band-aids as a cover-up, but they’re not doing a very good job. Even this blog… though it’s an attempt at being honest, is mostly just bleeding all over the internet.

A part of me is scared [no honestly more than scared--- terrified] that the rest of you are too busy with real problems and your own lives to care about the emotional cartwheels of a girl like me… But how can I change without reaching out? I know that fear has me living in small ways that obscure the largeness of the God who I have professed faith in.

I am convicted by the admonition of the apostle Peter,

Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up, so take nothing for granted. Stay wide-awake in prayer. Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. Be quick to give a meal to the hungry, a bed to the homeless—cheerfully. Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God's words; if help, let it be God's hearty help. That way, God's bright presence will be evident in everything through Jesus, and he'll get all the credit as the One mighty in everything—encores to the end of time.

1 Peter 4:7-11 the Message

I am not generous with who I am by nature, and truthfully I may not be big enough to conquer this vice in me, but God is... So I'm placing my hope in Him and asking you for help.

Social anxiety is a monster I fight and a blanket I curl up in so pray for me if you would like, but what I really need is to be confronted. Drag me out. Keep inviting me. Call me. Don’t give up believing that one day I may be brave enough to tell you how I really am.