Leaving the ghosts for good...

At night I am visited by ghosts...

Sometimes haunting memories of people from my past--- who teased me, hurt me, and shamed me. come in dreams and drag me back to the nights I spent in the valley of the shadow. They remind me of the pain. They remind me why I need to make sure some things never happen again. I hardly ever have these nightmares anymore, but when I was a teenager they were something pretty horrible… Even now, when I am fully awake and all the lights are on, it makes my heart race just to think of the way these used to abuse my memory.

But not every phantom is unwelcome.

More often now I have better dreams--- conversations with loved ones who have died---Saints who lives on earth brushed against mine. Mostly I talk with my Grandma Jane about how I want to be a missionary and a mother. Occasionally I cry to Gran about how I continue to wrestle with so many food- anxieties… or confess to Grandma O the prayers that still consume me.

I also dream-talk with the living-“dead,” people who haven’t been involved in my life for years. I talk with Dianne Leman, my childhood pastor, about the fear that I will never conceive children. I return to Utah and tell Mrs. Mantella, my third grade teacher, the story of what happened after we ran away. I confide to my friends Stevie and Faith how much I worry that I will settle for a mediocre relationship with Christ because I am too in love with the idea of a comfortable life.

Because I loved (or feared) these people so greatly when they were in my life, my subconscious has clung to our dead relationship in order to process and unpack the fears which overshadow my days.

There have been seasons in my life the relationships I had with these ghosts in my dreams have been deeper and more real than the relationships I have with solid, present people. I went through the day saving up all the things I felt inside of me and shared them with the ghosts while I was sleeping. The reason for this was that conversations with ghosts [even mean and wicked ghosts] are oddly more comfortable than conversations with the living because, of course, ghosts are inside you. Ghosts will always corroborate your inner dialogue… Friendly ghosts show up when you feel friendly towards yourself… and sinister ghosts, when you feel worthless. Each of us has enough memories to confirm any emotional belief we experience.

A challenge I have in reading the Bible is to avoid turning the Living God into one of my ghosts. It is easy for me to take the ways God moved in the past and distort them to confirm my emotions. It is hard for me to come to Christ in the present and listen. It is easier loosely apply scripture to an area of prayer where I have yet to hear His answer [and there are many] than to deal with the tension of the Kingdom of God being both already and not yet present in my mind, body, and world.

The story of the Voice of God coming to Elijah on Mount Horeb reminds me that the Divine whisper is not mere self-talk [or even self-application of scripture]:

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" (1 Kings 19:11-13)

Elijah fasted and waited on the Lord. He looked for the Presence of his God, instead of fabricating it in the phenomena at hand. If we want to truly hear, we too must seek His voice. We must wait and listen.

This is difficult because our personal ghosts automatically interpret the events of our day for us if we let them. Since the voice of God is not something fabricated in our head, our natural thoughts have to be taken captive and truth from God actively pursued. Therefore denying our memories and perceptions permission to frame our beliefs one of the great challenges of the faith. To know the truth will require that we leave the ghosts for good.

In the face of phenomena and the ghosts of my experience, I echo the prayer of the Psalmist (27:10-14) :

Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.

Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

There are so many places here in the land of the living where I am learning to wait to see God’s goodness, and so I pray:

God let me hear your voice. Holy Spirit woe my heart from lesser loves: from the love of comfort, from the love of money, from the love of man’s approval, from the love of “beauty.” Jesus ravish my heart… become to me the Living definition of comfort, sufficiency, acceptance, and beauty. I know that I have fallen short of Your standard. I have raised the idols of my culture. I have run after other gods, and forsaken the journey to which my Maker called me. I cling to Your cross and beg for mercy. Forgive me again, breathe new life in me, speak to me again Living God…. Cleanse me of my disease. Create in me a clean heart… renew a right spirit within me. Give me ears to hear Your voice. Lips to proclaim Your goodness. You said Your kingdom embraces the prodigal; the prodigal is me. Father I need You. I wait for You alone.