The setup is this. I’m a bred wallflower. Since I can remember my heart has been asking, “Can God really love me the way I am?” I’m sensitive to rejection so like a lot of women I have forever needed a ton of affirmation from people to be okay with who I am. Since I was a little girl I have been watching to figure out what I could do, who I could become to make other people like me...and as someone who loves Jesus, I specifically watch the leaders in my church to determine who I should become to be pleasing to God.
The pastors of the church I grew up in were amazing people, out-going, full of passion, and [I mean this with all respect] looked like Ken and Barbie. I honestly used to listen to my pastor preach and inwardly resolve to hit the gym and start a new diet.
I followed the same behaviors in each of the churches I have attended since subconsciously attempting to squeeze myself into their mold of desirability. I analyze my interactions with the body to glean acceptability. “Do I have a place here? Am I okay? What do I need to change now?”
The dumb thing is, in my busyness to figure out how to fit in, I never sorted out who I am. I was so young when I decided that I who I was needed to change, that I don’t even remember who that girl was.
Well on Sunday I woke up in my typical Sunday morning self-loathing mood because Tim was gone with a group from the college and I had no intention of facing church alone… but not going to church makes me feel like a heathen. Before I escaped back to bed I checked my email. A lady from Crossroads Assembly of God had emailed me. As I read her words I knew that I need to go there.
Going alone to a church I have never been to is very uncharacteristic of me [like I said I won’t even attend service at the church I’ve gone to for years by myself.] Somehow the anonymity was freeing though. Since nobody knew me or would ever see me again I felt permission to be broken. I silently cried throughout the service. Afterward the lady who had emailed me, came to invite me to go to lunch. Of course I still looked upset so she asked if she could pray for me, and this sob caught in my throat.
This was my miracle—“Aha” moment. I realized as she was praying is that the reason God has seemed so distant is that I wouldn’t let Him love me. I was resenting the demands that I projected on Him, but He was wanting to free me to be the woman He created me to be. Guess what? I was never suppose to be Barbie!
Now things are shifting in me. A process of rediscovering God’s will in this life has begun. The most concrete evidence of unfolding transformation is laughter. Striving to be good enough to be loved had made me a very serious person. Appreciating now that I am already loved sets me free to relish the love I have. Tim has commented over and over on how silly and happy I’ve been the past couple days. I am discovering the truth in the words of comfort Zephaniah spoke to the nation of Israel, “The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. (3:17)"
In a culture designed to make us feel not enough, it is counterintuitive to rest in the knowledge that our Father delights in us, but He really does. We are as we should be--- just what He wanted, so very dear to His heart.
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