10 years from now….

WGN had a Father of the Bride marathon tonight. As the evening progressed I was enraptured by the unlikely saga of Nina Banks and Annie McKenzie. Poor George… Who can blame him for flipping out when he found out both his daughter and his wife were pregnant?

I found myself envying Annie with an passion which seemed really out-of-character until I realized that I was feeling the same emotions I felt the first time I saw the movie in middle school.

I was so intensely channeled into my 7th grade extreme emotions I could have sworn I had somehow been catapulted back in time…

Ten years ago:

Thirteen is an awkward difficult age for girls. Sensing that I needed some “Mom time,” my mother rented Father of the Bride II from Schnuck’s to watch especially with me. We laughed and ate big bowls of chocolate cherry ice cream while watching the movie. As I lost myself in the unfolding drama I realized I am woman too. My body is capable of nurturing a life inside.

I was jealous of Annie for having a baby because I wanted to know for sure that someday I would have my own.

A few weeks after this epiphany I experienced a twinge of jealousy while holding a newborn for the first time. My aunt and uncle had nicknamed their baby Dolly, and she was. Perfect. Miniature. Truly a doll.

I was hypnotized by the subtle rise and fall of her tiny chest. Watching her, my own chest began to ache. I knew I was holding the most precious treasure in the world… Then and there I decided that what I wanted more than anything else was to be a mother.

Much to the chagrin of my teacher this was reflected in my homework. Mr. Green wanted to inspire us to work had in school so we could get good paying jobs. He gave us worksheets containing a chart which asked our one, five, and ten year goals. Most of my classmates dreamed of becoming movie stars or professional athletes, but I dreamt of family. So at the age of thirteen I recorded this 10 year goal- “In ten years I want to be married and have four children."

Twenty-three was so grown up in my mind that this goal seemed perfectly reasonable. My teacher tried to persuade me to consider careers I would like and include those in my goals, but I assured him I had considered what I could do in the future and the job I wanted most was to be a mom.

Ten years later, God has gloriously answered my heart’s prayer to be a wife and I am more realistic about the amount of work it takes to be a parent. Though I am definitely glad I didn’t manage to have four children already the whisper inside the core of me, is telling me over and over that I wouldn’t mind having 4 in the next ten. I still feel in my gut the same ambivalence when holding a very small child: a mixture of desire and awe, a stirring hunger and hope that life would also grow in me. The privilege God has given women to work intimately within us to bring life overwhelms me. I bubble over with the same intoxicating wonder as the psalmist:

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

Psalm 139:13-16 the Message

Nothing in this life will compare with becoming a mother….. and I do long for the day when the child I hold in my arms is my own.