Being Thin Made Me Crazy

Being thin made me crazy, but I clung to thinness like full body armor in the face of a world full of women who are wealthier and more beautiful than I. Even after I let go of the eating disorders it was important to me to remain thin. My features are plain, and I couldn't afford any kind of wardrobe. Being thin was all I had to distinguish myself in the world.

Marriage wore me down. Gradually I gained weight as I gained confidence in Tim’s love and concern for my sanity.  Infertility made me open to any change that might increase the chance that someday I would conceive. Pregnancy changed everything because I didn't care what I had to give up to keep my baby healthy. I would sacrifice anything, even my figure. Motherhood has given me the strength to let it go once and for all.

After my son was born I realized I can’t have it all. I can’t be admirably thin and a give my son the attention he deserves. I can’t worship at the altar of thin and offer my body as a living sacrifice to Christ. I can’t compare the relative thinness of the women present in any room and truly be loving my neighbor as myself. I can’t even be thin and think about much of anything else. 

Freedom is.

Freedom is not worrying about what I look like or what I wear. Allowing God to make me beautiful in the ways He wants to. Freedom is never having to worry about what I eat.

Eating when I am hungry.

Enjoying every bite.

Giving control to the Spirit who births self control in me.

Freedom is not having to waste my time and energy in activities I don’t enjoy just to burn calories. Freedom is long walks with my husband and son. Freedom is dancing in worship. Freedom is a life all for love, all for Jesus.